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5 Political Parties That Failed In Bermuda

Categories // Safe Clafe

By @SafeClafe 5 Political Parties That Failed In Bermuda

U biez may hav herd of de OBA an de PLP, but did u kno dat durr hav been PURE OTHA politicl parties in Bermy ova de yearz dat nevah took off? No, um not talkin bout de National Liberal Party or de Gombey Liberation Party…um talkin de REALLY FRINGE partiez whose views were eitherr too radical, dopey or misundastood 2 eva gather a followin in our mainstreem discourse. NE Wayz, herre R 5 politicl partiez dat nevah made it in Bermuda:

1) S.A.F.E. (Sentient Airhorns For Egalitarians)

Dis party beleeved dat d only way democricy culd ever work in Bermy wuz if erry singl citizen wuz given an living, breething (((airhorn))) by d Govermint. Dey championd de idea dat (((airhornz))) R in fact beautifl, majestic creetures wif healin powerz dat go way beyondd helpin PPL who R stuck out on boats. De only (and I Doo mean only) problm wif deir campayne wuz d fact dat (((airhornz))) R inanimite objects, but otha deyn that, dey might hav stood a chanc of winnin d elackshun.

2) B.U.D. (Bermudians Unearthing Devonshire)

De reazon dat deez guyz nevah gained steem is bcuz their campayne platform revolvd solely around de idea of diggin up d entirre parish of Devonshire wif a GIRT excavator and castin it out into de sea. 4 sum reazon, dey beleeved dat Devonshire wuz de root of all Bermy’s socio-econommic problems, and dat by gettin ridd of it, we culd get d island back on trackk. D strangist part is dat d leeder of de party, Mrs. Crab-Skrinka X. Lightbourne, wuz a resident of Devonshire herself, so her campayne speeeches werr confusin n contained slogans such as “I’m Mug, and So Is Devonshire!”. Bad P.R. n a suprising lack of supporrt from Devonshire voterz wuz their dahnfall.

3) B.E.R.M.P. (Bermuda Ecstasy Rave Molly Party)

Az u can probly gatherr from deir name, deez bies liked 2 get turnd up. Dey promotid de idea dat all Bermudianz shuld do as many recreyational drugz in az short an amount of tiyme as possible 2 acheev success. Deir party leader, Dr. Brucewick Beefchild IV, pledged to put cocaine in erry primary skewl, heroin in erry hospital and ecstasy in erry nursin homme by d end of hiz first yurr in office. He publicaly castigated d Health Deparment for offerin addiction counsellin, calling it “dangerous and counterproductive”. Unfortunitely, his heart Xploded from a massiv cocaine ovadose n d party nevah reelly recoverd from d loss.

4) M.U.G. (Malevolent Unconscious Grennies)

Dis party had 3 strict requirementz for membership:

1. You had 2 B in a permanint Coma
2. You had 2 B a genrally evil person
3. You had 2 B a Grenny

D problem dey wuld constintly run in2 wuz dat BCUZ all of deir memberz werre in a coma, it wuz difficult 4 deym to canvass, campayne n rally suppport. Basiclly, it nevah really took off in any major Wayy, but de sentiment n passion wuz durr.

5) B.L.A.P.P.O (Bermuda Labour Alliance Progressive Party One)

As u can prolly guess, dis wuz an unsucccessful attempt 2 perform a scientifc hybrid-cross of de PLP n de OBA. De foundr of de party, a geneticist by de nayme of Dr. Budness A. Gwan, secritly took DNA samplez from all 36 MPs while dey werre sleepin, deyn merged dem all 2gether in hiz labratory. De result wuz 18 politicly objectiv clones dat were each a mix of 1 OBA MP and 1 PLP MP. De only problim wif Dr. Gwan’s plan wuz dat each n every clone started punchin itself in de face due 2 inner conflict and geneticc partisanship! Afta murderin Dr. Gwan wif a sharpend Corn Curl as reveng 4 bringin deym into such a tortured existenc, all 18 clonez escayped from Bermy n now live as feral monks in de Souf Pole.