5 Reasons Why Bermudians Will Survive The Apocalypse
Friends, I must apologize in advance for my bizarre speech cadence this week. Last night I was in bed, minding my own business, when a deranged Grenny who’d escaped from a Peruvian mental facility force-fed me three ounces of pharmaceutical-grade bath salts in my sleep. Needless to say, I woke up this morning completely under the influence and have developed a temporary speech impediment due to how incomprehensibly high I still currently am. As I type and reread this very paragraph, it comes across as utterly incoherent nonsense, but I beg you to please bear with me until I come down off of this drug-induced stupor. Given that bath salts make you violent and paranoid, I’m now going to explain why Bermuda has a better chance than most places of surviving the downfall of humanity as we know it (in multiple scenarios):
1) Hostile Alien Invasion
According to Stephen Hawking, if aliens exist and want to make contact with earth, they’re more likely to be hostile than friendly. This puts Bermuda in a prime position to leverage the uniqueness of our local accent to pretend that we are also aliens when they come to attack us. When Emperor Glunk from Persei Pollux VII lands on our shores with his hyper-violent brood of soldier-drones, the expats will be the first to go, but as soon as he hears some Bermudians say to him “Ay buh, guyz need to stop carryin on mug, hurr me?”, he’ll be like “∠ ∨ ∩ ⊂ ⊃ ∪ ⊥ ∀ Ξ Γ ʊ ϟ ღ ツ 回 ₪” (Translation: Oh cha, nah mind. You guys sound like us. Bless up.), then leave us alone.
2) Global Resource War Over Water
The world’s fresh water supply is running out, and within two decades this will lead to global chaos and unprecedented war…..But not in Bermuda. While we’re constantly chastised for having one of the highest obesity rates per capita in the world, the positive flipside is that we consume so much sodium, we can actually drink saltwater and be hydrated without physical consequence. Don’t believe me? Try it! While the rest of the world is invading Canada and draining it’s lakes to feed their thirsty populations, we’ll be chillin in our island paradise putting a Krazy Straw directly in the ocean and enjoying a delicious sodium chloride mojito (but not around Grape Bay). Who’s laughing now, healthy people?
3) Viral Outbreak/Contagion
While a lot of people have labelled Bermudians as having a “xenophobic” view towards expat workers, and whether that’s accurate or not, it’s an attitude that we can leverage when fighting the threat of a global pandemic. While the rest of the world is coughing up caked blood, giving birth to mutants and suffering from horrendous facial boils, we’ll be busy making protest signs that say things like “Go home, foreign disease!”, “Where are the Bermudian viruses?” and “Cough local, sneeze local, die local”. After that, we’ll take our signs to the airport/cruise ship docks and start protesting as people are entering the island. The diseases/viruses attached to their respective bodies will be so intimidated and ashamed by our show of solidarity that they’ll leave their hosts (hence saving their lives), go to the Cayman Islands via wind currents and infect all of their inhabitants instead. Win-win for us, as we’ll get to save the lives of our tourists while simultaneously killing off our most direct competitor for International Business.
4) Nuclear War/Fallout
The great thing about letting soulless billionaires stash their money and assets in Bermuda is in the event that shit goes down, we’re going to become a veritable fortress for the global top 1% of earners, and our population will be safe by proxy. I guarantee that Bermuda has an island-sized underwater fallout shield ready to deploy as soon as the first bomb goes off, and that the likes of Mitt Romney, Bill Gates, the Bilderberg Group and various corrupt world leaders will use us as a base to plan the next stages of the New World Order. While they’re plotting how to squeeze the last irradiated resources out of developing nations, we’ll be basking in the kindness of their decision not to let us die along with the rest of the world, and hey, it could be worse.
5) Climate Change-Related Sea Level Rise
One of the reasons visitors love Bermuda so much is because of how small and charming it is. Well, if the ocean rises another metre or two as the result of melting polar ice caps, we’ll be even smaller and consequently more appealing to tourists! Nuff said.
Well, there you have it. Five reasons y we don’t have anything 2 worry about in the event of an apocalypse. De boasty thing about me is that I can Alwayz make lemons in2 lemonade. My grenny alwayz tol me “Clafe, ya de guy”, n I tend 2 beleev her. Oh cha! Looks like de bath saltz hav worn off. Thank u 4 burring wif me.