5 Valid Reasons Why All Bermudians Are Alcoholics
1 of de interestin tings bout Bermy kulcha is dat we luv our booze morre deyn Premier Maig Mannonier luvz jets wif 4+ ppl on dem. Alkohol is embeded in R societee 2 de point dat litrally 100% of de populayshin are ragin alcoholiks, incluuding toddlerz, kiskadees, ppl whose moufs R sewn shut n bedrenz in comas whoo R incaypable of movement N hav nevah drank B4 in their livez. Hurr’s why we bies R where we R:
1) Rock Fever/Boredom
Errybody knowz dat even tho Bermy is boasty, she can be borin as CHOOKS sumtimes, and wut better way 2 pass de time deyn by slowly killin yaself wif flavored liver-poison? If ya bredren calls u up on a Monday nite and iz like “Ay dun, u want a burr?”, he’s speakin in coded languwage and ac2ally meanz “Ay dun, u want 600 burrs and 12 shots of Chivas injected direcly in2 ur bloodstream via 12-gauge needle? After all, shuss Monday”. Heavy drinkin iz also a good way 2 quell de anxiety dat comez wif bein confined 2 a 21sq-mile island…Y spend $$ on a vacaytion weyn u can in10tionally send Urself in2 an alcohol-induced coma n dream bout all kindz of boasty places 4 free? Itz a no-brayner 2 me.
2) Soul-Crushing Politics
in itz kurrent form, Bermy politicz is de most depppressing ting since de time my Grenny stubbbed all ten of her toez within a 30-second tymeframe n cried 4 three days str8. To deal wif de disingeuousness of our leaderz n d nihilism of de punditz who support deym, we drink heavily so dat their lies n deflections sound more appeeling. 4 exampl, if U R sober n hear de Premier sayin “Um cancelling the referendum”, you’d be like “Mug, buh!”. But if U R drunk as fux, maybe U wuld mistayke it for him sayin “Um channeling my momentum” n be like “Good for u, dun!”, then passs out n fall thru a plate glass window. Drinkin also proviydes useful blackout periodz 4 when u R so flabberghasted wif somefin dopey dat a politician says dat u cant mentally proccess it. 4 exampl, weyn Opposishin Leader Shark Spleen sez somefin liyke: “Historically if you look at the gay rights agenda, at who created it and who financed it, then you will recognise that its purpose is to turn civilisation upside down and upon its head”, all u have 2 do is drinnk 30 gallons of Black in a 1-houur period and POOF, u will liykely not rememba dat any1 culd possibly say anything so deraynged n offensiv.
3) Racial Harmony
In cayse U didnt kno, Bermy has wut some ppl wuld call “racial tension” (I only jus found out from my grenny like, shree dayz ago!). Due 2 ourr complex historyy n seeming unwillingniss by certain segmentz of de populayshion to address de ongoing probllem of structural/institooshinal racism, we R stuck in a perpechual cycle of finga-pointin n ignorance. BUT de great ting about alkohol is dat if u get drunk enuff, u will compleetely forget wut race u are n be kewl wif errybody! I, Clafe, envision a Bermuda whurr de entire populayshin, regardliss of race, is vomiting n passed out on de grounds of de parliment building afta individully bein force-fed Swizzle wif an industrial funnel. Temporary racial amnesia via Xtreme alkohol intake might just B d ticket Bermy needz 2 make progress on d race issue.
4) Early Start
UnBknownst 2 most ppl, Bermewjans start drinkin rlly rlly early. Put it dis way: if u see a two-year-old yukkin back an elephant and he tells U its his first burr, he’s LATE, dun. Most Bermewjans start drinkin weyn dey r fetuses flexin in theiir Momma’s womb. My boy Trumpet-Glaze tol’ me he used to invite bredrenz over to his moms yard (a.k.a. her womb) and hav boasty fetal keg parties (until 1 of de neighbors complayned 2 d police). If u tink DAT’S bad, thurr are some ppl who start drinkkin even EARLIER! I knew dis 1 bedren named Sklumpy who wuz addicted 2 jagerbombs weyn he was still a sperm flexin in his pops’ leff testicle! Crazy, inna?
5) Even People Who Don’t Drink, Drink
Dis 1 may be hard 2 wrap ya mind around, but pleyass bear wif me. Basiclly, whenever sum1 in Bermy sez dat dey don’t drink, dey r unaware dat dere’s a telepatthic dwarf nammed Pachinko Jones who is sneakin in2 their homez while they’rre sleepin n pourin whiskey direcly into their dreamz via their ear canalls! R u a Jehovah’s Witness who’z confused as 2 why u wake up wif a throbbin headache lyin next 2 a prostitute erry mornin? Dat wuld Be Pachinko Jones. A Mormon who jus went 2 take a quik nap durin ya lunch break and woke up wif a goat carcas on top of gibbbs hill litehouse? Dat’d also be Pachinko Jones. He iz mystical N malevolint, so dere’s no point in tryin to stop him, bcuz if u get on his badd side, he’ll pour Creme De Menthe into ya dreamz instedd of whiskey, n dat stuff tastes NASTY, poppa.