If ya gon’ pull chase, ya gotta pull nips an’ duck breeze
By Team BERMEMES
As you very well may know, today was the most important day that we have seen as a country in this decade.Amendments to The Human Rights Act were tabled today in the House of Parliament. This debate was focused on setting the benchmark that we as a community will use as a template for the future growth & treatment of the members of our community. We endearingly dubbed this social movement:
I woke up this morning & greeted the sun with a cup of coffee (as I do most days; you don’t want to see me decaffeinated at 6am). I went through the usual routine until I picked up my phone. It was a message from the team saying, “Ay, dun. De Human Rights Bill is in de House today.” Being the social media freak than I am (some of you may remember how I “broke” Twitter on #BermudaDay by exceeding the post rate limit) I feverishly raced to the nearest keyboard to confirm this fact & surmised that it was indeed true.
My heart immediately began racing. We were approximately 30 minutes from the beginning of the single most important day that there has been in our generation; I instantly thought of YOU. That might sound weird & you’re probably all like, “DUN! STOP YAH NOISE, YEW DUN’EEN KNOW ME, POPPA!”… To which I would reply, “AC-tually bredren, I do.” I have laughed with you all for a year. I have addressed serious concerns in our community (albeit through comedy), but always with the intention of allowing Bermuda to speak. And speak you have…
This was no different. In fact, this was MORE important than holidays, partying, loquat picking an’ ALLADATDURR. We were standing at the doorway to our collective future with the knob in our hand. (DUN’EEN GO DURR WIF DE KNOB JOKES. I practically invented “If you know what I mean”.) I’ve been in the position of not having a link home when it was important before, so I immediately empathized with the people abroad who couldn’t share this momentous occasion with us. Yeah… THESE people:
So in the (now) 25 minutes I had before our morning post, I began barking orders like a madman. “ART DIRECTOR! HOLD OFF ON THIS.” “CEO! DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.” “Ummm… Excuse me Business Director, do you think you might be able to get this admin issue sorted for later? Thanks, love.” (You NEVER shout at a Bermewjun woman; dat durr’s rude… And also a death wish.)
In record time I had a social media platform ready & raring to go, with about 30 seconds before the start. And then… …the big moment. #Hastags were flying #EVERYWHERE. @TheEllenShow, @FrankOcean & @BuzzFeedLGBT were getting hit up as well as Bermewjuns who happened to show an interest while I was commandeering the control center. It was a thing of sheer beauty. And out of nowhere… It came.
We got a tip from an ally about some gub’mint agents chackin’ fah us like Regiment MPs in January, dun. Um sayin’ doe… FOUR different government agents had tried to track us down, but clearly that’s not too simple when you’re an anonymous collective. Hurr I am kung-fu flippin’ shru de Matrix an’ four agent Smiffs just pop out de cut like, “Wuh bin lookin’ fah yew, Neo”. Needless to say, I did what any Bermujun woulda done. I went up my aceboy’s yahd an’ axed to use his burna phone from foreign. (Dun’een gimme dat look… ERRYBODY knows dat guy.)
I called at least a half-dozen times before the voice on the other end wasn’t an answering machine. He alleged that the feed we were utilizing was covered by a corporate entity and they had ahxclooooooosive dubs on dat durr. Like David Rodigan runnin’ unreleased Marley dubplates at Summa Splash ahxcloosive. So, I had to make a decision. I did what any Bermewjun would do when guys stahted droppin’ pure chat ’bout de “lawyas comin’ dahn” an’ all dat durr… I sucked my teef an hung up on ya boi. (Gub’mint employees STILL ain’k learned all ya gotta do is axe nicely?) *SMH*
In any event, de message was clurr. Kill de (allegedly) unauthorized feed (dat came from a naxt source anyways) or go chack de Magistrate. De next 120 seconds was the longest uv my life, dun. The sensible guy in me was like, “WELP… That was fun, on to the afternoon posts.” but the Bermewjun in me had dat split secon’ uh hesitashun vhen yew KNOW de Man ain’k seen yah plates yet an ya acegurl’s yahd is like, RIGHT rahn de corna, so if you lean it an’ rippa, ya gone shru… Chack you pon de bounce, bacon. And it would have been for you, Bermuda.
It would have been so you could all witness history & engage with your countrymen in real-time while doing it, but unfortunately… The people with the money make the rules. ESPECIALLY where government is concerned. I mean, I get it… If yah nevah took de risk to do sumfin dat’s actually meaningful to benefit people wifout sellin’ out for a check, dat’s cool; do you. But BERMEMES ain’k’een ’bout dat life. We brought our people together to witness something beautiful for a glorious moment before the powers that be came back in & snatched it like dey always do. But I digress…
I guess de moral uv de story is yew cah hit de throttle, den spank up rahn Harbour Road an’ do a swanee into a jackknife into a 6 x 6 cell fah de weekend… Or you can just take de ticket & push ya bike ova de hill ’til de man aink lookin’ no more. *kickstarts de Vee*
Ya aceboi fah lyfe,
*EDIT: Umm just seen de alleged offishul feed. Thing took like, 30 mins an’ yew hadda jump some next hoops just to find, den when you do, it looks straight trash, dun. Guys should just hiyad we guys to run it for ‘em. *sigh*