Safe Clafe: Biased Immigration Survey & Custodial Technician Training
Lass nite i wuz up my ace chickn Wrenchquanda’s yard flexn on a diseasd goat carcasss wheyn all of a suddn i got a tex msg from my boy Bloopy sayn: “AY CLAFE, D HOME AFFAIRS MINISTRY IS GIVIN BYES CUSTODIAL TECHNICIAN TRAININ.” At first i wuz like “Dats probly d dopeyest idea um eva herd in my life”, but deyn reconsidred n wuz like “actully, dats safe”. Hurrs Y i hayd a change of hart:
U c, 2 a non-critical thinkr, it wuld seem like d govermint chose a prety pointliss occupashinal field 2 offer technicl trainin for. Closd-minded ppl wuld say: “Y in de rass duz a janitor need certifcation 2 scrub my aunty Boat-Clertha’s toilet??” D answr, my frienz, is simpl: Dis programme will rezult in long-term emplyment oppor2nities via deep psychosis n feelinz of inadiquacy. U c, home afferz ministr Qichael Xahy is smart, n he knowz dat any1 who sines up 4 dis course will almowst certainlly go in2 a blind psykotic rage wheyn dey finish de prograym n reelize dey stil cant get custodeyal jobz bcuz of cheep foreign layburr. He also knowz dat dey will be so downtroddn n upset dat dey will loze their mindz, leev their familiez, Becom violint, go live in de booshes n start terrorizin ppl wif broomz n cleanin suppliez dat dey gankd from d custodeyal prograym. Now, ya probly askin yuhself: “how will byes goin crazy and livin in the woods produce long-term employment opportunities for Bermudians, Clafe?”. D answer 2 dis queschin is simpl: Minister Xahy planz to let deez guyz go SO CRAZY dat dey becom feral maniacs who eat ratz, screem at de mewn n terroriz ppl, DEYN planz 2 hire OTHA Bermewdeyans 2 hunt dem down, catch dem in netz, n turn dem in 2 de govermint fah a ca$h reward. “But Clafe!”, ya prolly still sayn, “How does that equal long-term employment? Once all the feral custodians have been caught, then what?” Again, de answr is simpl: release dem back n2 de booshes n start d cycle all ova. Guyz will rebild d economee from d grond up via a perpetchual cycle of humanz huntin otha humanz 4 money…makes sens 2 me!
So de OBA jus releesed an eSurvey axin de public 4 dere viewz on d idea of commershal immigration (a concep which I touchd on a couple weekz bak). Now, sum guyz r sayin dat d queschins aint transparnt n dat d OBA loadid d survey 2 acheev a perticular result. WHILE DIS MAY B TEKNICALLY TRU, dis particuler survey is only stayge 1 of a 2-part seriez, so guyz r jumpin d gun. NEX week, while erryones still vexd about DIS survey, d OBA is plannin to releese ANOFA survey wif eqwally loadid queschins in de opposit direcshin, therebye castin d idea of commershal immigration as mug n tiyad. as sum1 who haz n early copy of nex weeek’z survey, mah give you an exampl of 2 queschins dat will B on it:
4. How Mug Is Commercial Immigration?
A) Kind Of Mug
B) Mug Like Three Muglets
C) Mug Like My Grenny’s Auntie
D) Mugger Than Satan
E) All Of The A-mug
12. If We’re Actually Dumb Enough To Allow Something As Counterproductive To Employing Bermudians As Commercial Immigration, What Do We As The OBA Deserve?
A) A Slap From Our Respective Grennies
B) A Palette Of Corn Curls Dropped On Our Stupid Heads
C) To Be Forced To Eat A Moldy Sandwich From 1976
D) To Lose Our Jobs As Politicians
E) A Rare Toenail Infection That Causes Us To Sweat Milk
As u can C, dese queschins R also biasedd, but in d otha direckshin. Minister Xahy’s ULTAMITE PLAN is 2 collec d resultz of BOTH surveys, lock d resultz in a cage 2gether until dey start 2 mate n reproduce, deyn use d lil baby newborn survey (whichh wuld b balancd n unbiased due 2 itz parentz bein polarr opposits) 2 gauge genuinlee transparint public opiniyon.
Basiclly, byez arnt givin Minister Xahy e-nuff credit…whetha he’z dupin ppl in2 takin pointliss custodeyal trainin programmes to in10tionally drive dem insane or pushinn out dopey, offensiv surveys dat make ppl livid, he’z alwayz doin it 4 de gr8er good, n i respeck dat.
Til nex time, bedrens!