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Safe Clafe: Sacked CoC Director & Caregiver/Housekeeper Ad

Categories // Safe Clafe

By @SafeClafe Safe Clafe: Sacked CoC Director & Caregiver/Housekeeper Ad


Pure madness haz bin poppin off dis past week, dun. D younion dispute wif Ham. princess wuz pretty krazy, n hi-lited d rashial divishon in ourr gr8 society. Btween bedrens gettin sacked from dere jobz, guyz marchin in peeceful protest, n a gyal-dem losinher job 4 voicin a drunken persnal o-pinyin bout bedrens gettin sacked from dere jobz, 1 ting is clurr: Derez tension in d air, n u culd cut it wif my ace chicken Shuh-Sprinja’s rusty samoorai sword.

FIRST i need 2 clurr somefin up bout Joann Magee, d formr Chamber Of Mugness directr who lost her job 4 yellin at d BIU protestrs.  U c, in all d chaos dat ensued, ppl failed to listin 2 d audio transcrip of wut she wuz actully shoutin from d Pickled balcony (which I convenyently got a hold of frum my bedren Loop-Nostrils). She didn’t say:

“Go back to work! You’re fortunate to have jobs!”

Wut she AC2UALLY said wuz:

“Ho’s whack! To work! Abortionists hate Steve Jobs!”

So basiclly, Magee wuz compleetly misheard, buh! When she said “Ho’s Whack!”, she wuz usin n abbreviated form of de word “Hotel” (“Ho”) to criticize d Hamilton princess 4 layin off d workerz in d 1st place. When she said “To work!”, she wuz toastin dgeneral concept of hard work as it relatez 2 de histery of de labor movement (hence y ace girl had a drink n her hand). N when she said “Abortionists hate Steve Jobs!”, it wuz an unrelayted commentary on d undenyable fact dat ppl who perform abortions generlly don’t like d founder of Apple. Admittidly, ppl were confuzed by dat last part sinc it had noffin 2 do wif her first 2 points, but its troo none-de-less. um hopin dat dis misunderstanding gets clurred up quik so Magee can go back 2 d Chamber Of Mugness n yell more encourajing words from boasty balconiez.

So I wuz flippin shroo de RG de otha day n i saw an ad postd by a famly seekin a live-in housekeepr…somefin didnt feel rite about it. It redd as followz:

Caregiver/Housekeeper. The applicant must be available to physically bend space/time to work 180+ hours per week, which will include days, evenings, weekends, public holidays, your sleep cycles, instances where you’re violently ill, times of war, the Armageddon, travel on-demand and live-in at least 29-30 days per month without notice. Duties will include all aspects of caring for a satanic 20-month old hellspawn who violently murdered his last 3 caregivers, heavy residential house-cleaning, laundry, meal preparation and tending to the family’s rabid, ornery dog who bites, infects and kills literally anyone/everyone who comes near him. The successful applicant must have one hundred fifty (150) years of experience in a similar role (via reincarnation) and be caring, energetic and professional. Candidate must be a foreign worker who is cheap, easily abused and not likely to complain to authorities out of fear of deportation, but must also be paradoxically Bermudian at the same time via the hybrid merging of parallel universes. Please apply with resume and 2 references. If uninterested, F&#% off and we’ll find someone else…we always do.

I caneen put my finga on it…can U?